I Am Orthorexia Recovered...And I Eat Clean

Orthorexia has been coined the clean eating eating disorder. It’s an obsession with righteous eating to the point that it is holistically unhealthy. You probably know someone with orthorexia in today’s wellness craze. I observe it in people all the time and I’ve supported many people struggling with orthorexia. Food has no moral value but those struggling with orthorexia believe their food choices speak about their character. They might eat a “bad” food, then wallow in self pity and believe they are a terrible person. Hence, the desire to eat healthy is motivated from fear as opposed to love and those with orthorexia tend to develop long lists of fear foods. Always remember, whenever we take anything too seriously it is fear driven.

I am orthorexia recovered and recovery was the best investment I ever made in myself! I may have battled an eating disorder and underwent a lot of crazy diets but I don’t refer to myself as a ‘body positive’ advocate because I don’t resonate with the anti-diet movement. I am a body love and health advocate, and of course I am as pro recovery as they come.

We live in a world full of fad diets, false promises, and food obsession. On magazine covers and social media we see things like:

“How to lose 10 lb in 10 days”

“Top fat burning foods”

“The next big breakthrough in weight loss”

So much talk about fat loss yet so many struggle to lose weight long term. Yo-yo dieting is VERY prevalent.

In my most restrictive phase I only ate one meal a day and my list of fear foods was so big I only consumed 4 foods. My struggle to find “perfection” and obtain fast results was a much deeper issue than misinformation about nutrition. Alas, the malnourishment I provided myself wrecked havoc on my health. Malnourishment and orthorexia come in many forms. I’ve observed orthorexia rooted in several different dietary belief systems and varying levels of orthorexia anywhere from mild to severe.

I was in a vitamin store the other day picking up some magnesium and the guy in line ahead of me was obsessed with his keto diet, buying all sorts of gimmicks to support it. He impulsively grabbed a super high fat packaged cookie at the til to top off his expensive keto obsessed purchase. He then turned to me wide eyed and said “Are you on the keto diet too?!” 

In my head I said “FUCK NO” then out loud to him I said “nope, carbs are my friend!” He looked confused but he didn’t ask me any questions so I didn’t give him any answers. Little does he know ketogenic dieting ruined my health a few years ago. He likely doesn’t know keto was never designed to be a mainstream diet as it is meant for assisting in specific medical cases. For the general public, I believe keto is a suboptimal approach to nutrition but I can appreciate it is used effectively in some unique cases.

I recently watched a YouTube video of a former raw vegan extremist telling her story of how her body shut down when she was diet obsessed. She became so sick and it was consuming animal protein that nourished her back to health. She was in denial for so long that her diet was making her sick. Sounds like me when I was keto obsessed. Now, I know some healthy balanced vegans but the fact of the matter is we are biologically omnivores so many people’s bodies will completely reject raw plant based dieting.

Extremes are never healthy. Which leads me to discussing another extreme ideology we see on social media: The anti-diet movement. 

‘Anti’ is such a firm word. You know whenever you see it in front of something people are going to have very emotional opinions. I’ve observed many things in the anti-diet movement that I don’t resonate with. For example advocates believe that wanting to lose weight is bad and reject scientific evidence showing the health risks of obesity, many claim we are victims of diet culture (as opposed to taking any personal responsibility for our own actions), we can eat whatever the fuck we want whenever we want because “all foods fit” (when I followed this “rule” in a phase of my recovery I got sick from eating certain foods), educating oneself about calories is disordered and heck even having a regular gym routine is scoffed at by many.

So on one end of the spectrum we have raw vegan lady who lived in denial that her diet was harmful to her health. And on the other end of the spectrum we have body positive influencers shaming weight loss and fitness. In some cases even glorifying binge eating! One of my life coaching clients did a group intuitive eating program prior to working with me and was active on many online forums. She saw a comment saying that it was A-okay to eat a dozen donuts in one sitting while several others supported this comment. What? How confusing! THIS is what people are portraying as eating intuitively?

When we take a closer look at orthorexia and anti-diet, both of these extremes have something in common: Attachment.

When we become attached to anything in life whether it be an idea, a past experience, our partner, a diet, a pair of shoes, etc we put ourselves in a position to become hurt. Not that we won’t experience pain if we practice more detachment in life, but attachment is typically connected to denial and resistance deeply rooted in shame.

For instance, if your partner left you and you were highly attached to them, you would go through a phase of disbelief. HOW could they be gone? WHY did they leave? And you may start to question yourself. Consider what would happen if you peacefully detached from the relationship and moved on. Sadness would be valid in the process but not to the point that it consumed your thoughts. Peaceful detachment would honour the bond you had, wish your former partner well in their future endeavours, and allow you to move forward with more peace and acceptance.

We see people with orthorexia denying that their extreme diets are problematic for their health and we see body positivity advocates denying that weight loss executed in a healthy way can be good for some people (but eating 12 donuts is totally fine?). The term ‘diet’ in itself has become offensive to many, when in reality ‘diet’ simply means the sum of foods habitually consumed by an individual. The term ‘diet’ does not mean ‘unsustainable fad diet’ at its essence.

We observe anti-diet advocates deny that there even are healthy sustainable weight loss solutions and these limiting beliefs consume the body positivity community. I see this keeping people stuck. Some stay stuck in their restrictive eating disorders because that movement scares them off. Some develop binge eating issues (I’ll say it again, 12 donuts?) Others stay stuck in the movement attached to anger toward diet culture and the fitness industry.

I’m not saying body positivity shouldn’t exist. It has its place. No one should be mistreated based on their appearance (or in general, because kindness is cool) and disabled and marginalized bodies need representation. Thin people with body dysmorphia need support too. There are a lot of people struggling with their bodies. However the way the agenda is being pushed is not positive. It’s giving people (women in particular) a space to point blame toward external factors rather than truly understanding their feelings. We are not victims of diet culture. Our body image issues and disordered eating issues are much deeper than the influences around us.

I went from underweight in my long term restrictive dieting phase to having a binge phase with a weak metabolism. I gained 20 lb fast, then another 10 lb somewhat steadily. I ended up about 15-20 lb over what a healthy weight is for me by the time I was creating balance. At 5’3” that amount of unfamiliar weight was very uncomfortable, my energy levels were crushed and I didn’t identify with my body. I wrote a blog about how I tracked my macros to reverse the female athlete triad, learn to eat to perform and lose weight in the process by eating MORE food. Read about that here if you’d like to learn more about that phase of my journey. Note I don’t recommend this approach for everyone but it was right for me.

I eat intuitively now, and I’m very grateful for the education I received about macronutrients. Like I said, I’m not anti-diet. I value GOOD advice that will help me improve my health.

And that’s a problem with anti-diet culture. There’s no such thing as good advice when it comes to weight loss in that community. I’d say the weight loss advice I sought out that had me eating more while reversing health issues was great! (Again, I don’t believe this method is for everyone.) Anti-diet is very much a social political focused movement. Many activists tell us if we value our body composition we are racist, sexist and so forth. Maybe you’ve noticed I stopped using the hashtag #bodypositive on Instagram. There’s a lot more going on behind this term than I think some people are aware of. Fear monger tactics telling people who’s beliefs don’t align with yours that their beliefs are linked to racism and sexism doesn’t resonate with me. I will not succumb to this fear mongering when having logical conversations about health, fitness, diet and body composition.

The average person who wants to improve their fitness but hasn’t been paying attention to diet or exercise can actually make great improvements to their health when they choose to expand their knowledge and embrace a balanced approach. In most cases, simply applying some nutrition and habit changes while exercising regularly will help people obtain results. It’s always important to remember that everyone’s story is unique and some people do suffer with weight related health conditions. These people deserve to approach their goals with sound advice, which we don’t see in diet culture. If chronic dieting, yo-yo dieting, binge eating, food obsession, compulsive exercise or mindless eating is an issue, I suggest making emotional support with a trained professional like myself your top priority in your health and fitness routine. It is our emotional issues that lead us to extremes in the first place.

One thing I see from the anti-diet movement a lot is this resistance to health. “Who owes you health?” is a defence mechanism activists often use when health and fitness professionals discuss health benefits of weight loss in overweight individuals, diet and exercise. Okay, we health and fitness professionals - you don’t owe us anything but we are passionate about helping people who value improving their health! It’s your choice whether or not you seek out our advice but we will continue to advertise our services seeing that it’s our livelihood. According to the anti-diet crowd discussing weight loss is ‘fat phobic’ which I will get to in another blog. I am aware of some of their perspectives and will honour addressing these concerns in the future. I know fitspo culture is confusing for people because we are exposed to very unrealistic unsustainable physiques in fitness advertising for fad diets and gimmicks that don’t work! We need to find a middle ground here, provide stronger mental/emotional health support and help people be reasonable about their fitness goals.

With all the food porn pictures we see online (we see this in the fitness community too. 10K calorie challenges for example, or junk food obsessed IIFYMers) amongst the claims that “all food fits” and that intuitive eating means we can eat a dozen donuts, I figured I’d share how I intuitively eat as an orthorexia recovered person. I know both fitspo culture and the anti-diet movement are confusing a lot of people these days.

First off, I did go through a phase of being a bit junk food obsessed in recovery when I began tracking macros. After not allowing myself to eat anything fun for so long, I tried a lot of different foods in recovery. Looking back, I see now that I was rebelling against orthorexia! The thrill of eating these exotic junk food items wore off and I transformed into eating mostly whole foods in my diet. Then when I transitioned from IIFYM to intuitive eating, my diet became even more whole foods based. Why? Because my innate intuition leads me to eat more natural foods! It’s how we are meant to eat after all. 

The most valuable thing I learned from tracking macros was carb intake. I had been afraid of eating carbs during my eating disorder and having targets to hold myself accountable to for awhile really taught me about fuelling my body and helped me repair an abundance of health issues. My staple carbs are oats, rice, ancient grain pasta, fruit, maple syrup, good quality bread, potatoes and clif bars. Learning how to eat for performance was life changing and I choose to execute it eating mostly whole food based carbs.

I have food restrictions! According to some online influencers having food restrictions means you haven’t recovered. This is why the anti-diet movement is too extreme for me. There is a big difference between avoiding a food from fear versus love and honouring your health!

In recovery I developed severe IBS and battled excruciating stomach flare ups. I was tested for Crohn’s disease and colitis. Although fortunately neither of those were my reality I learned I wasn’t digesting vegetable fibres. I healed my gut with Traditional Chinese Medicine but still to this day there are some veggies I steer clear from. I also learned I’m intolerant to eggs, so why on earth would I eat them? I’ve observed some body positivity advocates in denial that removing foods from their diets could help them in overcoming health issues because it goes against their beliefs that all food fits. Not all food fits for everyone and there’s nothing wrong with that. For example in a social setting I won’t necessarily turn down dairy, I’m just mindful of how much I consume and don’t use it at home. Ethically speaking I have no interest in supporting the conventional dairy industry on the regular but that’s just my opinion. If you eat dairy that’s cool. I’m not here to tell anyone how to eat, I just want you to know that having food restrictions doesn’t make you “disordered” when it comes from a place of self love and personal values.

Despite becoming paleo diet obsessed in the past, I took the benefits of that diet with me long term and I value eating organic free range meat, usually poultry over other sources. That said I also enjoy some plant based proteins which of course obtain carbs too. If you couldn’t tell I am grateful I let go of my attachment to low carb dieting! I do use a scoop of iron vegan protein powder in my oatmeal but protein powders aren’t for everyone and that’s cool. As for fats, I insisted on eating red meat all the time when I had orthorexia which isn’t optimal for me so I prefer obtaining fats from fish and plant based sources most of the time.

I was once afraid of eating in restaurants, and avoided them completely. Today I don’t eat much restaurant food though, maybe a couple times a week. I feel better eating home cooked food, but when I do eat at restaurants I enjoy myself! Regardless of whether I’m eating at home, someone else’s home or a restaurant, I listen to my biofeedback when I eat. If something doesn’t feel good, I avoid it. When I’m satisfied, I stop eating.

Balance is important! I eat dairy free ice cream, vegan cookies (egg free living) and dark chocolate at home, as well as some other random treats I find. It’s rare that I eat conventional junk food because I value food quality and feeling good. That said, pizza can never be replaced with cauliflower, spiralled zucchini isn’t pasta and once in a blue moon I will even support the dairy industry for some real deal cheesecake.

My emotional relationship with food would be best described as feeling grateful for nourishment but detached from moral and emotional value of food. I enjoy eating and choose foods I like but I don’t think about food much. I never over eat or restrict. Eating is not complicated for me now, it’s not meant to be. This is how I intuitively eat and you may eat differently because that’s the point of eating intuitively - we are all unique.

How I choose to eat supports my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual health. Isn’t that the goal? Well, I suppose it depends on what your values are. It is possible to recover from orthorexia and if you value health and fitness, you don’t have to join the dark side of the anti-diet movement if you don’t want to. You will have to redefine your beliefs about health and fitness when you choose recovery. That said you can eat healthy in a balanced way supported by positive emotions and still have treats in moderation when it feels right to you. You know, maybe just one donut rather than a dozen?

If you’re feeling confused about orthorexia recovery when you observe the body positive and anti-diet movements online, I completely understand. Reach out if you’re looking for support from someone who’s been in your shoes and knows exactly what you’re going through.

Schedule Your BODY LOVE Discovery Call With Alicia

Here’s to your health!

Why I Ate Counterintuitively In Recovery

I get it body positivity advocates. The fitness women on the internet who tell their followers they have the solution to "fixing" their relationships with food...then send them to a “how to track your macros” landing page are completely dismissing that disordered eating is an emotional issue. This mentality is keeping many stuck in disordered thoughts and behaviours. Not all macronutrient advisors use this selling approach but it has become very widespread.

This is likely all these women know, and rather than be angry at them, let’s show them compassion because it appears they haven’t fully healed from their own food issues. I personally love to work with this type of client and help them do the deeper work on themselves. Always remember, anger is an expression of self judgement. If other people's choices are making you angry, this is an emotional sign to look inside yourself.

Before we go any further, allow me to give a brief run down on what macronutrient tracking AKA flexible dieting or IIFYM (if it fits your macros) is so that all readers are on the same page. The energy molecules we obtain through food are protein, carbohydrate and fat. They all work differently in the body, everyone's needs are different and each macro plays an important role in our health. When using this approach a person will have targets of these 3 nutrients to hit for the day (plus a fibre goal if done optimally). This nutritional method is commonly used for fat loss, hypertrophy (muscle gain), sports performance, and in some cases general understanding of the energy we obtain through nutrition. You will have a better understanding of why macronutrient deficiencies and imbalances cause disharmony in the body later in this blog.

I appreciate the macro coaches who tell it like it is! I’m sure we can all agree that honesty is a favourable quality! You'll hear honest and ethical coaches say things such as:

“I will teach you how to eat for performance.” Yup, calories are energy and increased energy leads to improved strength and endurance!

“You can get shredded for your bodybuilding competition without a tilapia and asparagus meal plan.” You may not compete in bodybuilding or even understand why someone would want to. I don’t compete either but hey, this is an honest statement and it’s not up to us to judge anyone’s competitive sport choices. I am friends with some very respectable bodybuilders who take an optimal approach to this sport.

“You can lose a few pounds while choosing what foods you eat and execute this approach eating as much as possible in the process.” I understand, some of you are anti weight loss. I'm not, and for those who are choosing to lose weight from a place of self love in a growth mindset, maximizing your metabolic rate is effective and safe. Choosing your own foods is optimal for flexibility and psychological health, and allows for much more freedom as opposed to a fixed meal plan.

This is all honest representation of this tool and none of these points are misleading. If you’re reading this blog and you aren’t a part of the fitness community, maybe you don’t agree with intentional weight loss. I’m not going to invalidate your beliefs and your values. However some people choose to lose weight from a place of self love, and if they have a good macronutrient advisor they can do it eating a lot (often more than what they ate prior as I've observed in many cases) and have an educational experience. The anti-diet crowd always expresses that it’s no one’s business to tell others to lose weight and what to do with their bodies. Okay, but it appears there are a lot of people on the internet now saying that all weight loss is inherently bad so aren’t you telling others what to do with their bodies too by putting out this strong message that is so against losing weight? Just consider this and maybe consider that finding a middle ground would be helpful for everyone.

That said, I don’t agree with calling IIFYM a lifestyle like many do. It’s a tool and it’s not an ideal method for everyone. It’s not for people who get overwhelmed with numbers, people who are losing weight from a place of self hate as opposed to self love, and it definitely is not eating disorder recovery. Any athletes reading this who believe it is, please know I worked one on one with a counsellor for a long time before I executed this. If you went from obsessive clean eating to tracking macros without doing the emotional work, I have a strong sense you have a lot of healing to do and I would love to guide you!

I came to a place in my recovery when I chose to track my food and I’m so grateful I did because it was the tool that finally got me out of this very tricky trap I was stuck in.

The Female Athlete Triad

This is an exceptionally challenging battle and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Living with the female athlete triad was not only physically draining. My mental and emotional health was also suffering. I felt ashamed that I was a grown woman who was not menstruating. In order to embrace my femininity and heal my feminine energy, it was imperative to start this part of my healing journey by getting my period back.

Symptoms Of The Female Athlete Triad

• No menstrual cycle for at least 3 months. I went without for 3 years

• Hormonal acne

• Decreased bone density

• Little to no sex drive

• Extreme fatigue

• High risk of stress fractures

• Inability to concentrate

• Moodiness

• Heart irregularities and chest pains

• Brittle nails and hair, in some cases hair loss

Clearly not a good time! I like taking a holistic approach to health, using scientific methods and making sense of things on the spiritual side too! The spiritual meaning of amenorrhea is denial of womanhood and dislike of the self. Anyone reading this who has lost their period resonate on some level? I sure do! When I developed my ED I was coming up to the age of 30 and was really stressed about "getting older." I wanted to look "perfect" and underwent self punishing diets to try to achieve this.

What I believe to be the most common contributing factor nutritionally to the female athlete triad based on my own personal experience and of those I’ve worked with, is not eating enough carbs or fats, or both in some cases.

Who’s ever been on a carb depleted diet before? Even worse, who’s been on a carb and fat depleted diet? A common issue we are facing in the health and fitness industry is advisors glorifying protein while demonizing carbs. Some are all about the "healthy fats" while others promote all fruit or juice diets, and people are finding themselves with macronutrient deficiencies. Protein is a functional molecule and when our bodies aren’t getting enough carbs and fats (energy molecules), we use protein for energy and then our protein intake is no longer supporting us in the ways it’s meant to. Macronutrient deficiencies take a toll on our health.

When I was battling orthorexia/anorexia athletica I was terrified of eating carbs! That’s right. No bread, no rice, no fruit, no oatmeal, no potatoes, no cookies, no fun! Oh, and I was a powerlifter for the record. Definitely wasn’t embracing the eat big lift big philosophy back in my ED. There are 4 calories in one gram of carbohydrate. I ate maybe 10-30 g of CHO a day for a long time. I finally snapped and had a binge phase, then got stuck in the restrict, binge, purge cycle for a period of time.

As I was recovering I made a choice to eat carbs everyday and eat treats in moderation. I was really proud of myself. I was eating much more on a consistent day to day basis than I had in years and I put an end to bingeing and purging through the work I was doing with my counsellor. I had also let go of the guilt I used to feel when I ate a treat. But then I kept waiting for my period. Month after month, nothing came. I was so lathargic and had gained weight due to binge eating, yo-yo dieting and running my metabolism into the ground. They tell us weight restoration is the key to getting your period back and I feel many people have a misconception about what weight restored means. There I was heavier than I’d ever been with no period. From a body image perspective I had forgiven myself, but I certainly didn't identify with the body I had at that time.

I figured I would make a doctors appointment with a “female health specialist” to begin healing this. She told me this wasn’t a problem and it was normal to not get your period. So did the next one I sought out. And the next one. I told them I was recovering from an eating disorder and still they didn’t believe my case was problematic. This went on for months.

A friend of mine was obtaining nutritional advice from 2 intelligent natural bodybuilders and when he told me HOW MUCH he ate I was intrigued. It got me thinking about how I felt like I was eating a lot but maybe I really wasn’t. I recalled how I used to eat when I was first living on my own as a young adult before my ED. Pasta, sandwiches, sushi, fruit, cereal, pizza and ice cream were all a regular part of my diet. I was also very lean back then, but not underweight of course like I was during my ED. I read about metabolic typing understanding that genetically leaner people require a lot of carbs compared to average. I realized that I really needed to learn how to eat more carbs but I felt so lost when it came to that macronutrient. It was painful to be honest. I needed guidance and an educational strategy.

I tracked my food for a few days to see what I was honestly taking in. I was averaging 150 g CHO daily. It was significantly more than 10-30 g which was a start and I really felt like it was a lot of food.

I did more research about the set weight point theory. A person can be well above or below their set point range if they’re not eating enough. This lead me to conclude that since I was heavier than what my natural body composition was that I’d have a better opportunity of getting my period back upon being in my set point range again. Our hunger and satiety hormones become imbalanced during eating disorders. Everyone’s experience is different and some people face extreme hunger in recovery. Others, like myself in the past have no hunger signals. This makes it quite challenging to intuitively eat enough!

I evaluated myself and what it entailed to track my macronutrients. Well to start, I’m one of those nerdy individuals who enjoys math. Actually one of my biggest strengths is my mental numerical data recollection. I recall exact numbers from various circumstances in life. Phone numbers, birthdays, etc. I even used to recall how much we brought in for tips at various bartending events in my hospitality days. Literally another bartender would ask “does anyone recall how this event went last year?” and I’d reply “we each took home $368.50.” This bizarre skill made tracking macros quite easy for me.

I was also well aware that I wasn’t fully recovered and that I was going against the mainstream body positive belief that paying attention to calories is harmful. That said, evidence based protocols with caloric goals like Minnie Maud are used in anorexia recovery so I personally didn’t see anything wrong with myself having macronutrient goals following an evidence based approach in orthorexia recovery as I knew it would improve my health. This was coming from a place of self love and I was choosing to do this in a growth mindset as opposed to fear. I was facing fear head on by significantly upping a macronutrient that I was uncomfortable eating. Can we all appreciate and accept that not all people who choose to pay attention to their caloric intake or to lose weight are doing so because they hate themselves? If that was your case, that’s your story, not everyone else’s. I believe your story is valid, because I believe everyone's stories are!

I hired my macro advisors after doing my due diligence. Clearly I was working with the guys who train people how to eat a lot (shout out to my friends Ripped Geek Fitness). My gut instinct told me their advice would bring back my period. I was correct of course because that’s what happens when we listen to our guts! I was done listening to the advice of strangers on the internet who insisted the set weight point was solely based on gaining a bunch of weight when I knew I was notably above my set point and that this was problematic for my health. I was done with being stuck in a body I didn’t identify with, not feeling hungry and not menstruating.

Facing fear is a courageous act and the first day I received my macronutrient recommendations I was advised to eat about what I’d already been taking in protein and fat wise. But the carbs! I mentioned earlier when I tracked for self awarnesss purposes I discovered I was taking in 150 g on average per day. I was advised to eat 250 g daily PLUS one day a week at 325 g. I can’t describe how I felt in that moment reading my recommendations as a former carbophobe who felt like 150 g CHO was a lot. I was floored and determined to face this fear head on!

Some people are emotional eaters. Others are emotional not eaters like myself. Even today, as a fully recovered woman who guides others to heal their relationships with food and their bodies, if I am having an emotionally challenging day I will procrastinate with eating. I catch myself and I eat whatever is appealing to me. I will accept personal responsibility and prioritize nourishing my body because I know that no matter what is going on around me and how I'm feeling inside that I deserve to eat.

To summarize the benefits of my experience, I made the empowered choice to hold myself accountable to eating way more than I was comfortable with, lost several pounds (eating more and losing weight, what a concept!), got back to my healthy set weight range, GOT MY PERIOD BACK, increased my energy, and my sports performance soared. Then I began eating even more. And more. And more. This is called reverse dieting. Gradually adding in more and more calories. The gradual increase was optimal for my mental health seeing that I was already floored with the initial recommendations. We make changes in shifts and I would have felt very overwhelmed if I upped my carbs to the max overnight. Along the way it was challenging enough. I ended up eating 10-15x as much CHO daily as I did in the depths of my ED!

Me a couple years ago in my powerlifting glory. This was moments after I had benched pressed 60 kg (132 lb) which was considered elite level for my weight class. One of my biggest personal accomplishments and I feel very thankful I learned how to fuel this level of performance.

The long term goal was to intuitively eat and that’s what I do now. I eat at least 300 grams of CHO/day as an intuitive eater and I’ve been known to put back a lot more some days too. Although I’m not tracking my intake now, I understand how much energy I’m taking in on average due to the education I received. Those who understand food science would know this is a lot of carbohydrate for a small woman like myself. Especially considering that I’m in my mid thirties and I don’t even powerlift anymore. My body just uses a lot of calories. Now I’m not saying this in a condescending way at all, but I highly doubt the majority of the women reading this eat 300+ grams of CHO daily so this volume of food would be hard for most to grasp. I wouldn’t have been able to accomplish this intuitively but it was my intuition that told me this tool would reverse the female athlete triad, rev up my hunger signals and provide me brilliant long term knowledge for nourishing my body. Plus, it was fun for me which is clearly a positive thing. It opened me up to trying even more foods which was great for my recovery. I always continued to do my self development work in the process so I was in a healthy mindset.

Body positive and anti-diet advocates - I completely understand why you are pissed off that this tool is being promoted as a lifestyle and the cure to disordered eating by some famous internet coaches. But I hope you can appreciate that the female athlete triad is a serious health condition and show some compassion for those of us who couldn’t intuitively eat our way to the other side. Also, I really truly feel we would all benefit from respecting one another's values. Some people have body composition goals, some don't, the end. We all have a lot of work to do spreading the message that disordered eating is an emotional issue as it appears many still don’t understand this. Let's band together and do this from a place of LOVE. I'm all for collaborations and appreciating different perspectives. Athleticism isn't going anywhere and eating disorders effect athletes in different ways than they do non-athletes. The triggers we face are different, our experiences are different and our recoveries are different.

I observe a lot of influencers online irate over food tracking apps. I know plenty of people who have had other health issues where tracking their food supported them. The pregnant women I've personal trained who developed gestational diabetes absolutely had to understand their carbohydrate intake in a very precise way. A loved one who had 3 near death heart complications in a short time used a food tracking app to monitor cholesterol, protein and electrolytes in the process of staying alive. I understand the argument is that these apps are easily accessible to children, that they can be triggering for people with susceptibility to eating disorders, and some people with eating disorders, and that the apps are often misused. I agree that when these apps are used without the guidance and recommendations of a trained nutritional or medical professional it can be problematic. However generalizing and saying that food tracking apps "cause" eating disorders is not accurate or helpful for anyone. Nor do I believe the apps should be labelled as inherently bad when there are people who are benefiting from them.

Note, I knew I wasn't fully recovered when making this choice and my family and friends supported my intentions for tracking. As such, I received a lot of encouragement and motivation "you can do it Alicia, you can eat all that food!" They were patient with me while I learned. However this also meant I had a group of people who had my back and could call me out if any disordered behaviours showed up. I told myself prior that any disordered thoughts or behaviours I experienced would actually be a positive thing because I could see clear signs pointing to the parts of myself I'd benefit from working on.

I also want to touch on the fact that people who have a history of restrictive eater disorders and exercise obsession often possess the quality of compliancy. Adherence to strict diets and exercise programs, following "rules", no excuses, and all that jazz. There were times I had to check in with myself if I was taking my macros too seriously. For example if I didn't want to go to a social gathering because I wanted to hit my macros instead, rather than freak out about food, I learned how to address my social anxiety issues.

In conclusion, some very important points to make about IIFYM when a person hasn’t been working on their emotional wellness and isn’t continually working on it:

• Those following this method are not immune to disordered thoughts and behaviours such as restricting, binge eating, purging, etc. I’ve seen plenty of macro people online participating in these behaviours in various ways (intermittent fasting or “banking” calories, purging via forced perspiration, bingeing because they are consuming poverty macros, 10 K calorie challenges, etc)

• In the beginning it’s helpful to measure intake of some foods to visually see how much to eat. This can become obsessive and some never stop. I’ve heard it all from asking a restaurant server for a package of an ingredient to scan into a food tracking app, to bringing a food scale to restaurants, to weighing Oreo cookies, to weighing veggies with next to no calories, to calling a hotel lobby to get an employee to hunt for exact macro breakdown of a food in the breakfast buffet

• Junk food obsession. It’s hard coming from a background of orthorexia where you didn’t allow yourself to eat anything fun. But overdoing it with junk food can happen in this community. I had a phase where I struggled with having aversions to “clean” foods I’d overdone in the past! Some still to this day make me sick, such as kale and eggs. So there were times I’d choose something less healthy for the sake of getting my calories in. We see this in the anorexia recovery community too. Calories are better than no calories for sure, and I developed a long term solution to creating a more wholesome diet. I tried new healthy foods that weren’t my orthorexia foods and discovered new staple foods that worked for me. This obviously works in my favour as an intuitive eater now. Of course I eat treats here and there too because I'm all about balance

• Many fall into eating a lot of diet foods such as chemical shit storm syrups and sauces, fat free (and taste free) everything, and stay trapped in a poverty mindset always fearing they will run out of calories if they eat the real deal. I felt like it was an effort to eat as much as I do in the beginning but I’ve even seen some people with really high targets do this. Like I said, scarcity thinking - this isn’t about the food

• Many aren’t flexible at all. They still follow strict meal preps, don’t eat at restaurants or social settings where they don’t know the exact macros, and stay chained to other restrictive qualities of their eating disorder

• Many still restrict and eat ultra low calorie. I do not advise doing this unless you are maximizing your metabolic rate

• I’ve noticed protein treats are huge in this community. Although this isn't harmful, it's not overly fulfilling. I personally feel that substituting ice cream, donuts, cookies, etc with whey protein creations of those things is not a very open minded approach to eating. This links back to poverty thinking again. Yes, the real donut does contain a lot more fat than the protein one. So what? It actually tastes good!

Of course, we see many make this claim on the internet too “I’ll never stop tracking macros!” If you are a die hard IIFYMer, yet you say you’ve found food freedom, keep looking. Food freedom doesn’t involve using a tracking app for the rest of your life. Macronutrient education is a tool, not a crutch. As valuable as tracking was, that's what I needed in a past phase of my life. I never intended to do it forever and I've experienced an abundance of benefits embracing intuitive eating.

If you’d like to cut the chord with tracking your macros but you don’t know how, I can help you! I love to help people transition from IIFYM to intuitive eating. Contact me for a BODY LOVE discovery call HERE! For a flexible dieter looking to make this transition, I can provide you a lot of insight and help you make this empowering shift in a one month coaching intensive. A very short time investment for something that will greatly enhance your quality of life!

How To Make Peace With Food

A hot topic these days is the diet industry and the various dietary belief systems out there triggering unhealthy relationships with food. I know from personal experience what it’s like to be trapped in fad diet mentality and I definitely believe these unsustainable dietary protocols are a huge problem.

BUT! Always remember, triggers are not the root cause of any adversity! I can’t stress this enough. If you’re struggling with food, you must dig much deeper than food itself to ultimately find peace. For a long time, I (like many people) kept trying to fix my food rather than fixing myself. This only perpetuated my problems.

I observe many people on social media staying fixated on food. Not solely those on the fad diet bandwagon, but also those who throw around the terms “anti-diet" "fuck diet culture" "diet culture is keeping us small" and such. I feel this strong anti-diet culture really victimizes society as being plotted against by the diet industry.

The word “diet” is now being misused left, right and centre. The original definition of diet according to the Merriam Webster Dictionary is: habitually taken in food and drink.

So when we look at it that way, aren’t we all practicing some form of "diet” whether consciously or subconsciously choosing to eat a certain way? It’s more so a matter of whether we have a healthy mindset and sustainable dietary habits vs the modern way of perceiving this word, which many automatically categorize as a form of punishment. This way of thinking keeps us angry, and at the root of anger lies self judgement. Anger is an expression of feeling belittled, not good enough and devalued.

So how do we ultimately make peace with food? Well, because we are all different, this really varies from one person to the next and it does take time. However, I want to share some factors we must consider in the big picture.

Top 5 Tips & Tricks

1. Acknowledge, accept and allow yourself to have the issues you have with food. This is how we deal with them ultimately. The ego will try to believe we are perfect. The true self will compassionately accept the truth that we are imperfect, while also searching for more interpersonal fulfillment
2. Take food out of the equation. For example, food guilt isn’t about food, it’s about guilt. Each and every challenging emotion you feel in regards to food is a great message for you. It’s a clear sign that you struggling with those emotions. Remove the story, identify the emotions you're battling and commit to shifting them. The majority of the work I do with my life coaching clients has nothing to do with food. We address the underlying issues that are being fostered into food, learn how to better manage challenging emotions, let go of the past, and embody a shift of perspective. We of course debunk bro-science as need be because as I mentioned previously, the triggers do play a role in the big picture
3. Surrender to the concept that we are NOT victims of an entire industry. Stop blaming the diet industry and the fitness industry for your own issues. I know that some people in these industries present us with harmful information and it’s very important to identify your triggers. However the more you blame the diet industry, create a perception of unrealistic beauty standards you feel inferior to, point the finger at suboptimal coaches and influencers, and say that these things created your own unhappiness, the more you resist the actual issues that lead you there. We, as a society can’t stay fixated on feeling oppressed by an entire industry, and I feel this trend is so disempowering. As someone who overcame the fad diet mentality, and properly educated myself, I know there are actually legit people in the health and fitness industry
4. Always remember, food has no moral value. NONE! If you feel shameful for eating foods perceived as “bad” or feel like you’ve been “good” when eating nutrient dense foods, this is linked back to deeper perceived self identity we create in elements such as expectations, significance and certainty. Are you attempting to meet other people’s expectations? Do you feel you are more significant if you eat a certain way? Do you struggle with uncertainty, and as such seek more certainty through your food morality? 
5. Asking for help is not a weakness, it is a strength. It is a bold courageous statement that you know you deserve more out of life. No one deserves to live trapped in an emotionally unsound relationship with food. Self sabotage is a tough cycle to break free from as it is rooted in familiarity which our egos perceive as safety. Change is initially uncomfortable, but the positive outcome on the other side is worth fighting for

“I am more confident now than ever before thanks to Alicia. Her genuine love for health & fitness & helping others is so obvious and shines through to anybody that is lucky enough to meet her.  I’m lucky to call Alicia my coach and friend. I would recommend Alicia to anybody and everybody. I will never be able to express enough gratitude to her.” - AK, Vancouver BC

It's time for you to make peace with food and your body! Contact me now for a complimentary discovery call! alicia@youareweightless.com

How To Use Negative Thoughts To Your Advantage

Social media comes with a lot of triggers pertaining to food and body image and if you've been following me for awhile, you know I address this a lot. We are also exposed to various triggers regarding the self. One of my favourite triggers to address is the expression “just think positive”. This appears harmless at first and there is good intention behind this statement. We want people to feel happy after all! However, it completely dismisses that we will experience several different emotions in our lives, and we need to deal with the hard stuff to create a purposeful life!

“Just think positive” - Wait a minute? Are we saying as human beings we don’t have a right to our challenging feelings and emotions? Are we not allowed to experience the complexity of being *gasp* human? Unfortunately, much of society feels that emotions such as anger, sadness, fear, etc are "bad". In labelling these emotions as "bad" rather than allowing them to exist without judgement, we actually create and suppress shame.

The great thing about challenging emotions is that when we allow them, we can learn from them! Personal development requires processing challenging emotions. There's no getting around that and self growth will not always be comfortable. We can’t embrace abundance by hiding behind fake smiles and reciting a bunch of BS affirmations. Now, I’m not saying that gratitude and positive affirmations don’t have their place. They do, if they’re executed strategically and meaningfully while we are taking the initiative to truly work on ourselves. 

What I am saying is we don’t grow by resisting the challenging emotions that we have a right to FEEL. So how can we benefit from our negative thoughts, feelings and emotions?

Top 5 Tips & Tricks

1. When a negative thought pops into your head, allow it without judgement. YES! You have permission to experience feelings and emotions that society has been brain washed to believe are “wrong”
2. Understand that the negative thoughts are here to tell you something. It’s not pleasant to sit with challenging emotions, but it’s one of the greatest teachers in self development. Feel it to heal it, you know? First, identity the emotion and contributing emotions you're struggling with, then FEEL YOUR PAIN. I help my clients through this process by providing them with an emotional wheel to reference. This tool shows which feelings and emotions are linked together, and helps us discover what lead us to the really challenging ones. For example, feeling discouraged can lead to confusion which can intensify the emotion fear
3. Find the lesson. Okay, so let’s say you feel angry for example. Perhaps the anger began in skepticism, which lead to criticism and intensified anger. There’s nothing wrong with that, anger is a natural emotion that we all have a right to feel (and one of my favourite emotions to teach others about). Okay, so once you've allowed the anger to exist without judgement, what can you learn about yourself and the scenario you found yourself in? How can you better manage a similar situation down the road, or how could you change your perspective? Maybe the anger is telling you that a person in your life is bringing you down and that you need to detach from them? There is always a lesson. In fact, this question changed my entire perspective on anger and how I learned to manage it "What am I making this anger mean about ME?" Interestingly enough, anger is typically an expression of self judgement
4. Become an observer of yourself. Have you ever felt upset about something then blamed other parties and external factors? Of course you have because we all have! Step outside of yourself and observe yourself. How did your actions and interactions play a role in your situation and as such, your reaction? What do you need to work on shifting to create a more positive longterm outcome? This may involve creating more personal boundaries, strengthening your own values, facing your own fears, etc. It really depends from one case to the next
5. Take personal responsibility. They should really teach personal responsibility in kindergarten. Luckily, people like myself teach it to adults all the time. Own your feelings and emotions! There’s raw truth in them and you have a right to them. However, it is your responsibility to work through them and clear them, and know when you need to reach out and ask for help in this process. Acknowledge when you need to apologize to other people. Conflict with another person is a two way street. The only thing standing in the way of an apology is shame. No, not pride, shame. Here's a helpful life tip - people LOVE receiving apologies when they are due. Think back to a time someone owned up to their mistakes and apologized to you. Didn't it feel good? On the other hand, have you ever felt like someone should apologize to you, but the apology never comes? Find the compassion for that person is struggling with shame. You don't have to condone their behaviour, but try on their perspective and discover how to move forward. Learning how to appreciate other people's perspectives, even when you don't agree with them is very freeing and a key component in forgiveness 

Just like physical exercise, self development is only successful when executed with consistency and dedication. It's highly fascinating to dive into the subconscious part of your brain. Trust me, once you start you will be hooked as self development is an ongoing process.

The next time you’re having a bad day and someone on social media tells you to “just think positive” don’t allow it to make you feel wrong or unworthy. The term ‘self love’ gets misused a lot out there in LaLa-Insta-Land. Because true self love is a place where we live in humble acceptance of the self, negative thoughts and all. It takes courage to love the parts of ourselves we don’t like and transform but that is the road we take to empowerment.

How To Handle Comments That Trigger Negative Body Image

A past life coaching client and dear friend of mine inspired me to write this piece. When we met she was a competitive bodybuilder. She started battling binge episodes while on contest prep and confided in me. After a competitive season that wasn’t as successful as she had hoped for, we continued working together for a few months. 

This had not been her first experience competing. In a past competitive season she obtained a first place finish and a pro card so she had once seen herself at extremely low body fat levels. In reality, her body type is not genetically lean and she now maintains a curvier physique. With consistent self development work, she learned to accept, love and appreciate her body. 

Recently a woman asked her “are you pregnant or just chubby?” Wow - can you say TRIGGER?! She really impressed me by acknowledging that this comment triggered her and with the self love tools she’s built, worked through this magnificently.

Unfortunately we can’t control rude comments from other people, but we can control how we react to them and how we handle other triggers out there.

Top 5 Tips & Tricks

1. Don’t take other people’s words and actions personally. Easier said than done and I used to struggle with this. I really had to reprogram myself to understand that everything other people say and do is based on all of their own life experiences. Whenever people are blatantly rude we can find compassion for them because they are hurting on some level. Whether they're having a bad day, going through a tough time, or struggling with accepting their own body. Maybe in their upbringing and environment making body comments was acceptable? Regardless, these comments actually have nothing to do with you
2. Ask yourself the golden question “What am I making this mean about me?” Anytime we react strongly to anything with anger, anxiety, hurt feelings, etc we have an opportunity to learn more about ourselves. WHY do these words hurt so much? Remove the story and identify the challenging emotions that come up and work on those parts of yourself
3. Remind yourself of your own values and beliefs. What does ‘health’ mean to you? Journal about this. Always remember, health looks different on everyone
4. Take yourself back to a place where you felt good in your body. Whether this be a memory from a vacation, in the midst of doing physical activity you love, or thinking back to the best belly laugh you ever had - the possibilities are endless and this is YOUR experience. Close your eyes, take a few deep grounding breaths and find that moment. Envision it, feel it, embrace it. Remind yourself what it feels like to be in a happy moment in your body, and then journal about all the uplifting feelings and emotions you recalled
5. Do a social media cleanse. Consider the messages you expose yourself to and what might be lingering in your subconscious. Rid your social media feeds of messages that trigger you. You don’t owe anyone on instagram anything. You’re not obligated to follow accounts that harm your wellbeing

Connect with me for a complimentary discovery video call to begin your journey of self love and embodiment!  alicia@youareweightless.com

How To Exercise In Orthorexia Recovery For Athletes

When I chose recovery I awakened to the concept of intuitive exercise cycles. As in implementing phases of not following a training program, de-loading and listening to my body. It’s REALLY hard for athletes and avid gym goers to stop training. We are passionate about movement, seeing results and doing empowering things with the physical body.

Fitness doesn’t define who we are but it is a big part of us. Often athletes and fitness enthusiasts suffering with orthorexia also struggle with numbing themselves through over exercising and adopting a fitness centred identity. It’s challenging to shift into a place of detachment, and it takes time. 

Regular exercise differs from training. Training to me is following a structured progressive program (including proper taper weeks and rest days) with the intention of obtaining specific results. Regular exercise is just as it sounds - exercising regularly but with less structure, strategy, volume and intensity.

5 years ago, I started learning how to take breaks from training as I began my orthorexia recovery journey. I had 2 lengthy rehab phases along the way. Sometimes even further along in the process of recovering my health, I would discover I had deep personal development to attend to. In these cases I would move into shorter intuitive exercise cycles whether that be a week or a month. As time went on I became more self compassionate with each intuitive exercise cycle I took. I always returned to training when I was ready and built up victories again.

I’ve worked with plenty of clients who have been resistant to tapering their training initially like I once was. A huge part of orthorexia and over-exercise recovery is detaching from who you perceive you are when you train vs who you perceive you are if you don’t. Detach from your identity as an athlete - get to know the layers of yourself beneath that label and learn how to love all parts of yourself.

In some cases, not having a program to follow triggers anxiety and I’d say in some situations, it’s helpful to follow a tapered program. In this case, I feel it’s optimal to work with a fitness professional such as myself who is certified in Functional Movement Systems (FMS) or a kinesiologist with expertise in corrective exercise. Your fitness professional should also know when to refer you to a physiotherapist.

When I ask my clients the questions that lead to the “why’s” behind their resistance to taking a break from training, many tell me they’re afraid to part with their physical strength and they don’t want to gain weight. I understand these concerns interpersonally as this was once my perspective too. However, when you are in the midst of an eating disorder, you will not be your strongest physically and it’s not the time to pursue sports performance or aesthetic goals.

It’s so important to stop resisting your reality in the process of recovery. The reality is, eating disorders are traumatic experiences and healing is more important than how much you lift. In choosing recovery, we have the opportunity to learn the nature of why the ego feels it must be defined by athleticism. We also learn that gaining a few pounds can be empowering and healing, and one of the greatest teachers of self acceptance. Our bodyweight is not constant and we can’t recover by restricting or pushing our bodies in the gym.

The best way to become stronger is to stop training like an athlete in times when your mental health needs to take the front seat. Strength is not solely represented in the physical body. The mind and soul have powerful strength potential. Such as the physical body, in order to see profound change with the energetic body, we must be consistent and dedicated with our self development work.

Our emotional wellbeing has a direct impact on our physical health and eating disorders come with an array of physical ailments. In many cases, there will be parts of recovery where the gym is not an option for awhile. I’m not saying you have to stop going to the gym forever (clearly, because I love the gym). Recovering from an eating disorder as an athlete requires setting yourself up for long term success so you can get back to doing what you love safely!

When it is time to ease back into the gym these points are key:

1. Take rest days any time your body asks for one. If this means a few consecutive rest days, that’s OKAY! Recovery exercise protocol allows for this. This concept is new for many athletes but very important in healing
2. Go for long walks outside and connect with nature in and beyond recovery 
3. Focus on corrective exercise. Use this as an opportunity to move better. Plus, I sense your body is restricted in various areas because those sneaky emotions play a role in your injuries and mobility issues (more on this another time)
4. Work with a personal trainer who is FMS certified or a kinesiologist with a solid lifting background who can correct your form. This will help you become stronger in the long run. Even doing one session or a handful of sessions will benefit you greatly 
5. Start slowly resistance training 2-4 days a week depending on your situation. I know this is hard if you were used to going 5-7 days a week in the past. Start small and work your way back up. And in the long run, I advise you take rest days and don’t work up to “team no days off” again
6. Lower your volume and intensity. Keep your work outs shorter with only a few basic exercises. Using the RPE scale 1-10, RPE 6 is a good intensity level to start with in many cases, and in some cases maybe even RPE 4-5. Change your perception. You’re not there for PRs in this phase of your life. It doesn’t mean you won’t get back there. Note, powerlifting and oly weightlifting rev up the central nervous system which you want to avoid at this phase. Higher reps and lighter weights or body weighted is much better suited to your needs when you’re recovering from something as severe as an eating disorder
7. Avoid HIIT, plyo and sprints in recovery exercise protocol. Your adrenal glands and sympathetic nervous system have already suffered too much stress. If you do a minor amount of low intensity cardio for heart health or to simply move your body, this can be healthy. If cardio is a trigger for you in any way to overdo it, avoid it. If you go into cardio with the mentality of feeling like you “have to” or connect cardio to self punishment, don’t go there. If you are trying to restore your weight, avoid cardio. In regards to weight restoration, depending on how underweight you are you may have to hold off from the gym completely for awhile longer. If you have gained weight but still aren’t getting your period, hold off from cardio for the sake of your bone health for awhile
8. Incorporate yoga into your routine. It’s a wonderful way to feel connected to yourself and great for those in the beginning phase of exploring their spiritual self

Incorporating intuitive exercise cycles helps my training so much, even beyond orthorexia recovery. I truly believe in order to unleash our athletic potential we must feel clear and connected to our inner selves.

I just finished an intuitive exercise cycle. This cycle was to accommodate healing past traumatic stress that I couldn’t fully process in the time it was happening. This stress effected me in many ways which included challenges with the physical body. Obviously there was no deadline or date set for this cycle to end because I was listening to my mind, body and soul. I stopped training in October so this was lengthy cycle. Note, I did not restrict my caloric intake because we don’t heal by messing around with our macros. I had a good understanding of my emotional and physical hunger cues but this intuitive exercise cycle really taught me about my spiritual hunger cues. I gained 5 lb over 5 months and my soul needed every ounce of it. 

In between the various intuitive exercise cycles I’ve had, I was training and I’m proud of my accomplishments in the weight room. There is always a victory to be built in the gym again when you are holistically healthy and aligned to do so!

As an exercise coach, there are plenty of times where I follow intuitive exercise with clients. When clients are new to the gym, I screen their movement patterns then apply educated intuitive exercise pertaining to their score. We have to learn how to move well first and I like to get to know their flow and endurance before writing them a program. If someone has been ill or injured, we do intuitive exercise to ease back in. As a Pre/Post Natal Fitness Specialist, the first and third trimesters of a woman’s pregnancy require an intuitive approach. First trimester feeling ill is common. Third trimester there are many rapid changes and listening to the body is crucial. Interestingly enough, the surge of energy that comes in second trimester can result in athletic improvement in some cases. 

I love helping my life coaching clients with their exercise programming in their ED recovery journeys, and feel grateful I can. As I mentioned, no structure at all can trigger anxiety in some cases. Plus athletes generally love structure and exercise has so many mental, emotional and spiritual health benefits when we don’t overdo it. I want them to exercise safely and for many of them, if left to their own devices they would over-exercise due to feeling lost on what to do. They are used to pushing themselves quite hard and this is new territory.

It’s so empowering for athletes who have battled EDs to feel good about training again. The athletes I’ve worked with include bodybuilders, powerlifters, and cross-fitters, and I am well versed in a variety of strength training methods. This is a safe space where an athlete can tell me “I missed day 3 last week” and I answer “I’m proud of you for honouring your body’s needs and staying dedicated to recovery.”

The ego will tell us we are defined by what we do, how much we have and other people’s opinions. This is a slippery slope for athletes recovering from orthorexia and over-exercising as many feel they must get back to the gym and start banging out results ASAP. Always remember, we don’t arrive in eating disorders overnight and healing takes time. The gym will always be there when you are ready to make a comeback. Comebacks are a lengthy process but oh so rewarding. This is why patience, self compassion and letting go of the ego’s grasp are so important.

If you want to learn more about how I help athletes recovering from eating disorders as a life coach and exercise coach, please reach out to me for a complimentary video consultation alicia@youareweightless.com